I'm at a crab and wine festival with my dad. He just introduced me as his girlfriend to all of his co-workers. I am so drunk I thought he was serious.
Just found out my drug dealer is also a porn star. It's a good day.
you told the bartender not to open the bottle because you were gonna put it in your purse in case you get cut off later
You almost make it sound as if getting an education to further your career is more important than beer and tacos.
I tried to convince the Lobo Card people to take my pic with my sunglasses on because I will probably always be this hungover.
She's drinking vodka out of a windex bottle. She is spraying it in her mouth and at strangers.
Only at Harvard can you walk in on a bunch of stoners and expect everyone to immediately stand up, shake your hand and introduce themselves like we're at a fucking job fair
I just want to have beer shits in my own bathroom. Is that too much to ask for?
There. Isnt. A. Single. Person. Who. Is. Not. High. At. Church.
I feel like we have a good system here turning our sketchy decisions into great stories.
I went shopping for a dress that was baptism and bar appropriate.
I'm hungry, horney and thirsty. Pick two you want to help out with.(please pick horney)
Don't drink and shop. I went for happy hour and came home with a fog machine. I now have no other choice but to scare the shit out of my neighbors with it.
Remind me to tell you all about the topless girl on the street who attempted to taze me.
I feel like it is our duty to make homophobic people more afraid of us. They're never going to change, but maybe we can get to a "wrath of god" kind of worship-him-or-he'll-destroy-you-with-his-care-bear-stare type thing.
Randomize
