the "happy anniversary" cake for my mom and dad is about to turn into the "yeah, that's a hickey, welcome back from italy" cake.
She tried to keep her legs crossed last night while doing a keg stand. Way to keep it classy.
He just lit his joint with the tiki torches around his pool. He is definitely coming to my future parties
Woke up naked wearing mismatched earrings. Didn't even make it to the bar.
If he can forgive your lousy blowjobs, you can ignore his terrible driving.
Making drunken Mac n cheese at 3 am I understand why witches constantly stir their cauldrons. Much more homogenized temperature and slim chance of boiling over. Good job witches.
Thats alot of pressure.
Just on your vagina. BTW I'm passing your house.
Last night was a "wash hands with dog shampoo" kind of night
I made out with a guy who was dressed as Borat
And like a minute in, I was like oh fuck what am I doing
Did you run away?
I DANCED AWAY.
His pick-up lines are quotes from Doctor Who. Of course I fucked him.
Ever since I got to LA my dream self has been having sex with way too many rabbi's.
Nope. Im a prince of the americas. I treat my women like future queens. Also, im drunk watching the royal wedding
we live vicariously through your huge boobs
I’m appalled by how severely I lower my standards when I’m horny & impaired
You showed up at 4 am holding a beer and wearing a wig you apparently found in the dumpster.
That explains some things...
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