I'm at derby!
The kentucky derby! But its night time, theres no way the horses are awake at this time.
I'm like a new puppy, everybody wants to touch me
I cannot believe you needed a note to remind yourself to ask me about the fourteen sleeping Mexicans.
My New Years Resolution is to come up with a new resolution monthly. January: decrease my shotgunning consumption speed to 7 seconds or less.
Dude, please wake him up, there are pills all over the floor and hes the only one who knows which ones to take simultaneously.
Unless you have figured out how to blow me through the phone don't drunk dial me.
It's amazing I mean I blew that senator just for him to deny me marriage.... Politics suck and he swallowed!
He went 'unicorn hunting' and lost a fight with a fence. That's how he ended up in the ER.
You woke up, laughed, proceeded to throw up on me and then passed out again.
I forgot to tell you, the medics put you in a wheel chair. ( I kept telling you to cat daddy) oh you also gave everyone high fives for speaking English.
I'm not so good at organized events that don't revolve around whiskey or playgrounds.
Awk. Hanging with her while messaging her ex about sex injuries he gave me
My vagina is glad I'm back at work because it needs a vacation after working all through my vacation.
Currently having to re-watch episodes of Lost that I've only partially seen because you distracted me with your vagina
And all i could do was bury the part of me that felt guilty for cradle robbing and put on my dick swallowing bib.
Randomize
