dude we were spooning naked in bed with her ass in my crotch. she sharted in her sleep all over my dick.
We have had massive layoffs this year, yet the guy who cant flush his shit seems to still have a job
ive come to realize my hair is a lot like my vagina. i put a bunch of shit in it with no result
Hit a parked car with a "property of Jesus Christ" bumper sticker. Wrote out five hail mary's and left it on the windshield.
They're making scrambled eggs at 2 in the morning... with rum
K. On the way. I need a drink.
Like a drink drink or like water?
Have we met?
All I know is I had a penis in one hand a bottle of wine in the other
What's the sex policy on a school bus? Because I dibs back seat.
Sex allowed. Dress code is neon and obnoxious.
We are gonna die. I wanna enforce the "no jumping out of moving vehicles" policy. And how are we gonna get a school bus through mcdonalds drive thru?
I'm never drinking with you again. I woke up in Midtown with a 7' tall Norwegian rugby player named Lexie. Never. Again.
I'm in your room because it's a safe space. Is it ok to pee in here?
I think we've gotten passed awkward... the day I woke up at the palms and ur getting eaten out by the dude who just fucked me on the balcony.
He grabbed my tits and sang "you are so beautiful" to them before faceplanting into my chest
Jungle juice breakfast? No? Ok.
Are you drunk? You left me a voicemail at 5:59 AM of you making dolphin sounds.
Sharted again. Stuck in traffic. Fuck
Randomize
