I haven't been able to trust a girl since spanks came out
the best part was when he threw his debit card on the table, looked at everyone and said "turn this into pizza!" It felt like a scene in a 'coming of age' teen comedy.
You drunk dialed me talking about the stages of mitosis. There is no way you didn't ace your bio final
Hey man your outta milk
How the hell do you keep getting in my apartment?!
I need you to stand in the corner and ref this threesome. Wear stripes.
I rode on his Vespa around Florence and fucked him in an empty train. It was like a way sluttier version of Lizzy McGuire
dude she got out of bed and definitely took a shit then checked her stomach out in the mirror and whispered "well that probably took off five pounds"
BoomCity!!!
You don't have to text me that every time you have sex. I already heard you ring the gong.
I just found a To Do list on the table, written by me last night, that just says "1. Go downstairs. 2. Get Pickles. 3. Laptop"
THEN YOU WILL NOT GET TO SEE MY TITS TONIGHT OR IN THE NEAR FUTURE YOU HEARTLESS BASTARD
If Plan B had a rewards card I would have earned so many free tote bags by now
I told her we had to stay at the bar until at least midnight because that's when my direct deposit hit, don't tell me i'm not responsible
Fucked a DJ on a jetski today... I love florriidaaa!
We should form a club for all of us that have stabbed a sibling with a fork!
You went on the date? His pickup line was I swear I'm not a serial killer and you went on the date???
Randomize
