you turned on the Care Bears movie at 5am and kept screaming "I CARE"
I was scoping hash out of our weed jar with a spoon and I realized we need to buy actual utensils. This plastic shit is killing me I've broke 3 spoons
YOU SUCK AT REPLYING IM IRRESPOSNIBLY DRUNK WHAT THE FUCK ARE YOU DOING WITH YOU LIFE. celebrate the magicness with me.
I have whiskey and jager. There's no telling what kind of monster will emerge
Yup. We're now banned from TWO of our nation's finest zoos.
I think I may have some undocumented and undiscovered std that causes girls to go bat shit crazy. How you got it is beyond me
He said it was fake. Like really? Hey baby, I wanna sleep with you, so here's a picture of a fake tiny dick
preface to our conversation: my vagina hurts.
She sneezed like 10 times, put her head down on the table and then laid down on their couch and fell asleep. In the middle of the dominoes game. I'll never understand why my dad continues to provide my mom wine.
You woke us up at 9:15 am still in your toga from last night saying "welcome to my house party...party". You had already filled up the pong cups with yaager/fireball and ordered a chicken platter... Who even delivered that that early???
I'm so glad you haven't fallen off any more yachts
Hooked up with another cop last night. Think I am renaming my vagina "dispatch"
These snow days are takeing a toll on my liver
Am I the only one who finds it completely appropriate to pre-game our Brazilians?
I'm hungover from the 8pm vodka and still drunk from the 5am beer.
Randomize
