There's a woman at Starbucks that keeps pushing her stroller into me.
Punch her baby.
i tried to hook up with a mom and then her husband came with num chucks
Mid thrust he tells me that we have bio together
you kept running around the room with a flask shouting "so much room for activities!" then someone tripped you and you passed out
I just bought a vibrating toothbrush with my parents FSA insurance card because I'm too broke for a vibrator. New.Level.Of.Low.
Nothing like buying a handle and a 36 pack with a baby strapped on.
I just saw a girl on crutches doing a walk of shame. She is either super dedicated, or her night didn't go as planned.
So I am guessing last night was a success we are all accounted for and only 3 of us have hospital bracelets on
i just feel like the statute of limitations for admitting i plowed through her car last night was up a couple hours ago
If your nipples ruin my wedding photos I will kill you.
Couldn't finish, so she gave me "the tap," and I had to leave the mound early. Nothing worse than the long walk back after the manager comes out and asks for the ball.
Currently hot boxing a fort I made on our snow day... This is legendary
drunk snapchatting is the worst, because i woke up with great pictures of my tits saved to my memories and no idea who i sent them to
It’s easy for me to be professional, the tough part is finding the perfect amount of bitchy undertone
I just found a live peacock hanging out behind the bar. I coerced it into my car and now I have a peacock bro that lives with me.
Randomize
