if she mentions anything about chili and my phone, just go with it
I'm wayyy too drunk to be in a parade right now
Living well is not the best revenge. Fucking his brother is.
he said he would handcuff me to his penis. thats not even possible. i want to go home.
Sorry about blasting sandstorm on a loop when i left for work this morning. But maybe this will teach you to not come home trashed on a tuesday night with some chick and have loud sex till 4 in the morning. The walls are thin, remember?
in fingerprint form on my ass. Seriously not cool. \ni bruiiiseeee like a delicate fruiiiitttt. Heeeaaarrr the rythymmm
I'm not leaving bed today. And i guess my drunken ass last night hit my roommate in the face with a tiki torch then proceeded to cry while carrying around a picture of he who must not being name. I'm a piece of work.
He was barking to the beat of "I like to fuck" and then chugged 3 beers and fell off the deck.. I should have gotten community service hours
I'm a professor! I can't be caught chasing the liquor with you hooligans once the undergrads have seen my face
who knew tequila and Christmas cookies would go so well together
She has an alarming number of pictures with cat ears but the sex is amazing.
i got my period today. mid walk of shame and im wearing a shirt that says stay classy. my life is a joke.
its Niagara falls. its like international waters. You can get away with anything there
I don't know who's idea it was to get wine for a frat party but my poor pitiful hung over self really fucking hates them.
Don't ask but i need a priest, a calzone, a litre of gravy, and exactly 7 oreos
And a bag of nachos
Randomize
