Why don't I have your new number? And who have I been texting?
on the way to work, i saw an empty wine bottle sitting in the middle of an intersection. i thought of you.
i can respect that.
he sent me a winky sad face. i cannot deal this level of pathetically needy flirtatiousness.
you woke me up just to tell me that I was beautiful in every way possible. Then you proceeded to fall asleep with your mouth on my boob.
I dont think a "sorry ive slept with most of your teammates" text will do much
He told me that if his bed could talk, it'd write a medical journal. Guess it's too late to worry about that now.
Just saying goodbye until I figure this whole "warrant out for my arrest" thing
Even though he had a fractured vertebrae, the sex was still phenomenal. Better than normal actually. I hope the vertabrae never heals.
If I win the contest of drinking the most water I get a chicken nugget.
I need a hug and tequila
I'm sitting next to a milk crate full of tequila right now
This is why we need to live in the same city again
It's all fun and games until you have to pay the bar tab.
Bring me that man meat
Jesus tap dancing Christ rock out with your cock out is supposed to be just an expression. And even if it weren't no one wants pics bro.
I still can't believe that dog licked my nipple.
Stop saving videos when you’re using my pornhub account!!! My girlfriend just tried to finger my butt because she thinks I’m into that
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