Tell her she can't have a vagina
If I were a boy, I'd name my penis Reptar.
I opened up her dishwasher and all I found was a spoon, a juice glass and all her sex toys.
Thanks for stranding me with th douchebag award recipients
and unfortunately for you, hallmark doesnt make a "sorry i was getting a blowie in the backseat of your car while you were driving, projectiled my jizz onto your hand, and caused you to crash" card
If I die tonight. Just know that chicken I made fuckin ruled. Recipe: Chicken with a shitload oF spice
He set two of my ex boyfriends on fire at two different bars without anyone knowing it was him or how it happened either time. He might be a fucking super hero
I mean, they were small fires and no one got hurt, but still. Awesome.
He took getting"shit in your neighbors hot tub drunk" way to literally
Showed up physical therapy hammered. The therapist just says this isnt part of the program.
Why make bad decisions when I can watch you?
Don't get mad but There's blood everywhere and the only thing I remember is the bj from your cousin.
Be there in 20. Want icecream?
sex. I want sex. I like where your heads at though.
..needless to say, i got fired. But I'm in the parking lot tanning on top of your car... so its not all bad.
I am real keen for none of this to be taken out of context so let’s just shut it down right now
Right. He was like "I'll be here all night if I have to..." I was like "Well then, I'll have to call the cops..."
Randomize
