I puked while I was brushing my teeth this morning and had to get a new tbrush
Ew, did you brush them again?
Yeah but i puked on the new one and decided to give up...failure
The girl next to me in class is taking notes on woman's suffrage with a girls gone wild pen.
only you would photoshop your dick
He passed out mid-signature
If I was there, I'd make you a vicodin spiked sandwich.
its hard to take this fight seriously when one dude is an oompa loompa, and the other is a "g spot"
Would it be safe to assume you're the one that left my front door wide open and left yourself a trail of jaeger drops to find your way back?
I'm going to do lines of vitamin c I cannot be sick for halloween
Apparently I used ziplock bags to smuggle my drink out with. By pouring it in one, then cut the corner like it was an icing bag later that night. What is wrong with me?
Eating nacho cheese off the carpet. How is your morning?
I may, or may not have licked his face in an Applebee's.
Bought a gym bag tonight. Used it to bring my Taco Bell in the house.
Yeah plus that night got so disgusting it's basically a repressed memory anyway
You chipped your front tooth on the toilet bowl. Should I call your dentist?
Yelled "don't taze me bro" as the police officer tazed me. Cross it off the list.
Randomize
