My mom says you aren't allowed to eat doritos at my house
She was lying the whole time!
She was a great actress
I was a great dumbass
i puked out the bus window last night on the way home. i remember it, but i don't remember everyone else screaming to put their windows up.
the dude from the bar called to tell his mom about me immediately after we finished PLEASE COME GET ME
How did you steal an entire pie?
I don't know. It's in my purse.
Legit I think I might have gotten hepatitis C from licking the window of that last cab.
Want to come over? I'm getting stoned and watching Netflix and making s'mores over a candle in my room
I tried to find the bar, ended up at a car dealership. Then the alarms went off.
I'll be in SoCal at my bachelorette party, aka embracing a fireman covered in KY and chocolate shavings.
I'm at a new rock bottom. Malibu on ice at work because it's the only thing they've got and no mixers.
I woke up and found piles of popcorn in a trail around my house, ending at a laundry basket full of pillows. What were we trying to catch last night?
I still don't know why she was so offended when I emerged from the bathroom and told her my balls were now clean.
Stop calling him just to say, "my vagina misses you."
Why is there a trampoline for sale in my front yard?
Someone sitting next to me at this football game is totally eating chicken nuggets out of his pocket and drinking four loko. I wanna be him.
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