I have no voice and feel like lukewarm beer.
I found my laptop, credit card, and a bottle of Morgan all on the counter this morning. I'm scared to see what gets delivered to my house this week.
I don't want to talk. I just want to motorboat those tits
Emily is drunk. We're coming to see you at work and we're bringing jello shots for you.
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I drunk-cried for all conjoined twins everywhere the other day.
Well I'm drunk and covered in baby oil so tonights not ideal
Has my life seriously led me to day drinking on a Monday the third week of the semester?
It's after 5, it's not day drinking.
Be proud. All I did last night was roll around in my nun costume selling drugs. I love Halloween.
We were fucking while the tv was on, and one of those animal cruelty commercials came on. We then switched over and started doing it doggy style. It was then that I realized that I'm going to hell.
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She just told me she thinks she bruised her labia in class
So I just got drugs from a house with a giant cross on it. Thank you, Jesus.
I just found a voice recording from Tanya's bachelorette party when we found you drunk in downtown being harassed by a crazy dude dressed like a clown and we rescued you. Attached is a voice recording of me interviewing you after we found you. I titled it Carlos Batman.
Welp, I just herniated a vocal cord during sex. How was your night?
If Denver makes it to the Super Bowl I'll quit drinking. So I'm pretty much stocking up on booze
easy for you to say. you're not the one who has to explain why you woke up with a pineapple and a used condom.
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