i am devastated. she was DTF and I was about to puke, i told her to wait outside my room for a second. Puked. Passed out woke up, she was gone. Found puke stains on my keyboard that seem to spell out youporn....
It could have went better. They kicked us out of the casino and I drunkenly whipped her across the face with a fishing pole. Long story.
Of course my walk of shame coincided with the alumni marathon on campus. But, I did get a thumbs up from the woman handing out water.
I am too drunk to make real decisions. I had pop rocks all over my ass earlier. This is not a joke.
Why did 20 jello shots in a row sound like a good idea last night?
In a car. Threw up in my mouth. Haven't said a word in 10 minutes.
He asked me when I was coming to bed while simultaneously drilling a fart into the mattress. Don't fucking get married.
If your wondering why there is a puddle on the floor is I may have decided to make a kiddie pool in your living room.
I can't even masturbate anymore!! That was my last source of cardio!!
Is there a particular reason why everyone is now calling you Butt Doctor?
So you're on like a list there now..."Do not under any circumstances give this person a knife. Serve them in plastic cups ONLY"
I'm so glad you haven't fallen off any more yachts
Hey does the gas gauge in your car work?
Nevermind...we figured it out. Heres a more relevant question, does your insurance have roadside assistance?
Started dabbing in blow again because he always hated that I did it. Yuh I’m doing drugs but at least I’m doing me?
Just find a separated / divorcing man. They’re too upset to fall in love, too helpless to be alone and too horny to think straight. Smile at him the right way and he’ll be thrilled to be with a sexy younger woman!
Randomize
