I remember having a drink with vegetables in it. They said it was a mojito, but it tasted like cabbage.
haha i love mojitos
ya and i hate cabbage
I just want a better ending for myself. Not walking around with one sock on and my bush hanging out.
Does your gf have any friends she can hook me up with?
Better looking than her though please.
If we went to a costume party as Batman and Robin I would go as Robin, that's how much you mean to me
All I know is I had a penis in one hand a bottle of wine in the other
I really don't think you should have 'baptized' your tattoo in vodka the same night you got it.
He showed me one of his balls and said "this one's free. you'll have to work to see the other.."
I pulled an all nighter. So hoped up on coffee and aderall. Pretty sure you could take my pulse through a snow jacket...
Just got a nosebleed, my period and the runs all at the same time. I'm either dying, or this is the first sign of the apocalypse. You warning you in case it's the latter.
I just spent an hour in the shower pretending I was a member of the b-52's. I can't go to work like this
I can't wash the smell of tacos off my hands. I feel like the Lady Macbeth of Chipotle.
Started the 4th with a foursome. I don't know if it gets more festive than that. #MERICA
That sounds worse than that time you thought out an entire story of how big bird would kill you
So, then you thought it was a good idea to dress up like the Hamburglar, buy a bag full of McDonalds hamburgers, go to Burger King and throw them at everyone while screaming "HAMBURGLAR!". At that point there was no stopping you.
After dropping your phone on the ground you got down and sat with it, kissed it and apologized for being so mean
Randomize
