he kept kneeing me like he was playing footsies... only then i realized it was his dick.
Brogan sounds similar to Bridget...sorta.
Every girl's name is automatically translated to "Baby/Milk Carrier" in my brai
Thanks for ditching me last night. I got a ride home from the Dominos delivery guy. You owe me 3 large pizzas.
I didn't think her British accent was real until I saw how fucked up her teeth were.
I woke on the floor next to a big TV. Apparently I traded my bed for a 52 inch samsung and a box of pop tarts.
I hope in my next life I'm a sterile trophy wife. With a husband who showers me in wealth and gifts but can't get a hard on. Do you think my karma is good enough for that?
i was so high i thought the horse on my poster was running
Sorry about waking up naked in your bed this morning.
I basically gave Miranda rights to the guy I hooked up with, jus so we were all clear what was happening
Honestly at least you're not debating on whether or not you need to take plan b. But I can't because I spent all my money on pizza.
Riding your boyfriend's dick for an hour then waitressing for 8 hours. Would not recommend.
She was on top, but I lost her at "alright, you look like predator."
Ok, there are marshmallows shaped like elephants
Are you sure you found YOUR underwear?
Nothing says “I spent too much in Vegas” quite like eating a jar of pickles for dinner and planning on cream of celery soup for breakfast tomorrow.
Randomize
