mustard is like jesus in yellow tights
Glitter + Penis = Best. Idea. Ever.
At least you're going to bed with all the teeth you woke up with
i just found an uncooked ramen noodle in my underwear
I just read the lonely terrorist on nwa had 40 more friends than me on facebook
Dude I'm 99% sure I'm witnessing an e-harmony date at panera, prob late 40's, this is better than the movies.
he bit the head off a dead goose for 5 beers. this is my future boyfriend.
I just want to point out that nothing makes my hickie/hangover more obvious than sleeping in a scarf and sunglasses. nothing.
My love will cover her like lulu lemon yoga pants. Casually supportive and always complimenting your Ass.
He doesn't deserve you. Your ass looks 8 times better than his face ever will. Wanna order pizza and watch porn?
Dude. I've been high for so many hours now that I'm just accepting this as my new reality.
I've only fucked to 2 Fleetwood Mac songs, that must be why my life feels so empty.
Why thank you for your unwanted opinion, person I've never met before.
The fact that I made out with a twenty one year old father is kind of worrying me now. Like. This is exactly what I wasn't supposed to do in life.
It's not christmas until we're acting sober in front of grandma
Randomize
