I feel like your standards for women is like rent-a-centers standards for credit.
Every night before bed, when I used to say prayers, now I just think to myself 'freshman sluts. Soon'
he passed out on the stove with a cup in his hand. yes the pictures are hilarious
I can't believe I paid your booty call for a ride home in cake.
I have your dog in a headlock. Se wants my mushrooms.
I legit just said "vaginal access denied" then told him his password hint was "tequila shots"
Sober now. I'm really glad I didn't try to make out with that guy who has a pregnant fiance
It must suffice lest there secretly exist a picture of me walking out of the ocean at midnight naked and half mast with a sea urchin on my ass
If I die, let him know that his penis was the last penis I saw. And I'm happy about that.
We are gonna sacrifice to and pray to every god in this world that he doesn't find out about her sleeping with his old roommate.
I know I've never told you this before.. but Gyro sauce makes everything okay.
I can now say I know getting hit in the face with a flying tortilla is not fun
I almost got an A in organic chem but started hallucinating during the final so I got a C
the most terrified I've ever been was seeing Danny Devito squirming on the ground in this underwear, covered in hand sanitizer, completely hairless
I'm too hungover to Google him and try to save face.
Randomize
