I printed and framed a picture of a seagull shitting, and hung it in my house. I'm waiting to see how long it takes everyone to notice.
'Watching yourself cry on Photobooth' is the new 'watching yourself cry in the mirror.'
Do you remember that blonde girl he brought home from the bar on Friday night? She didn't leave until Monday afternoon. We didn't even know she was still in his room...what a sketchy weekend.
We ended up on a hotel balcony in Daytona where she lured a seagull down with a pizza crust she found in her purse and preceded to grab it out of the air by it's neck.
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Definitely almost got hit in the face with a baby
The other night after we fucked we talked about Lowe's vision insurance. Never fuck a coworker.
Just blew a perc off the traytable on my flight, spring break has begun!!
When i left he was drinking an entire pot of coffee out of the pot with a straw. It's safe to say he's using a personal day
We got a standing ovation as security was escorting us out of the ballpark, it was a proud moment
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So my flight takes off at 8am. Does this mean I need to break my airport bar pre-flight ritual?
Aren't you the one who taught me that airports are the judgement-free drinking zone?
If i'm forever fucked up in this state of mind then I'm going to kill him for this
Ok. I'm gonna smoke some weed and look at some elephants without you then.
I got a charlie horse in my ass while masturbating. We are never been going to that boot camp again.
You either got a dog, or you have a boy over. I can't tell from the noises which it is.
Right now I'm laying face down on my carpet in my living room in the darkness sending work emails from my phone.
It's a glamorous life.
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