I just want you to know that me val and amanda are drinking on top of a hill lookig at the chicago skyline drinking icehouse and we just peed in public.
My phone auto-corrects smirnoff to poisoned. I think it is trying to tell me something.
People are handing out olympic condoms downtown, just put it on and it broke, this is how there trying to raise the population. Very sneaky canadian government, very sneaky
Went to my car this morning. Found a waffle from Waffle House in the front seat. No idea how it got there. So hung over I ate it.
Should I mail that cop his nightstick or just throw it away?
I am assuming I was his dirty Mardi Gras mistake and I can live with that
We are cuddling. She is so cute when she is too high to be a loud bitch.
I'm using the bullet from my cock ring to massage out my tmj lock jaw from giving too much head.
You got called a pussy at a party with a slow cooker, you can't let that shit slide
I lost the bet. I now have to do all chores sans clothing of any kind. I give it a week before I'm knocked up...
my roommate would be appalled if she knew how many times i've peed in the kitchen sink
I need to get all the one night tinders in my system before I move back in with my parents
This drunk girl kept yelling for water so I dipped a cup in the toilet and gave it to her. She was thanking me all night.
It's not my fault I make her feel like a Taylor Swift album
I woke up in a warehouse with the words “Property of Adam” written on my chest in frosting.
Randomize
