Would it be quicker to bike the freeway home?
Yeah, we realized keeping you in a cage wasn't beneficial to us
I'm returning our mountain of beer cans, while wearing a Budweiser sweatshirt. i don't look like an alcoholic.
is election day enough of a holiday to justify getting fucked up on a tuesday?
It's gonna be pretty hard to find a homeless person that takes crackers as currency.
I woke up with like grass burns all over my body, i'm pretty sure i made out with someone under a bus. . . but i'm not sure
Say what you want, but those Fraggle Rock DVDs have gotten me laid twice.
do you think if she looks enough like a dude i have to come out to my parents?
Just missed the last train for another 5 hours. There are balls in or around the mouth of my life.
Dude. All those hangovers I never had came back with a vengeance. I just opened the door of this car to barf. The car was not motionless. We are on the autobahn.
Hi future me, I saved you a big mac under the bed.
There's nothing like telling your girl to hold your pants while peeing on your neighbors door
So looks like I applied to adopt a dog last night. I'm completely ok with this
Please come over here so I can show off my beard, talk to you about how quantum computing is actually a symptom of interstellar physics, and then put my head under your dress
WAIT YOU’VE NEVER BEEN TO COSTCO???
COSTCO IS MAGICAL
I can’t believe you two made a group text to scream at me about Costco.
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