I just found glass in my funny face pancakes, there's nothing funny about that.
you kept running around the room with a flask shouting "so much room for activities!" then someone tripped you and you passed out
at least 'blackout me' had enough sense to take the puke covered duvet off the comforter.
waking up outside has become so normal, the paper boy knows to set the paper next to me
My dad walked in on me masturbating in my own apartment.....my own apartment!!
Man the liquor store just wrong numbered me, its a sign even god wants me to drink
do you think I can still get an erection if I donate blood today? this is important.
vodka bottle broke. scooping it out of the plastic tub with a shot glass into a sprite bottle using a ziplock bag as a funnel and straining the glass out with paper towels. good thursday night?
great idea involving lots of fake blood and face paint, call me tomorrow.
how many lesbians have to have their hearts broken before they realise I am not that kind of DJ
YOHYFONSO!! YOU ONLY HAVE YOUR FIRST ONE NIGHT STAND ONCE!!
I don't know. She kept pirouetting across the kitchen while making dinner. I just sat there stoned.
So how was the sex with me last night?
No worse than usual.
You fucked two dudes in the same night and still went home to your cats. How does that happen?
If I could eat my chicken parm naked, it would be the closest I could ever be to God.
Randomize
