It's like Facebook knows when I'm about to masturbate and tells me to reconnect with exes.
Also managed to rip my pants and set myself on fire. And oddly enough I'm still not ready to ask for 2010 back.
have the fact that the early bird is danced upon by the prettiest strippers be your motivation
I never thought I'd say this but my vagina is taking a serious break for awhile
Yeah, I wouldn't mind getting fingered in the corner of a dive bar again.
I didn't plan on sleeping with him until he told me his mom is deaf.. Then I felt bad.
Just had that moment when you realize the two drunk women shoving all their money down your clothes were your middle school teachers...
It took me fifteen minutes to go from puking on my doorstep infront of my old lady neighbor to legit presentable person able to care for children. Bronzing powder and I deserve an award.
if girls can go out in miniskirts and reveal their thongs, I should be able to wear a sheer dress with boyshorts with the word love bedazzled on my ass.
This is why you're my favorite.
I just realized that at some point last night I told someone I would only be friends with 16% of them because the other 84% stole my people's land
You pissed off the back deck while listening to the national anthem from your phone screaming America Fuck Yea to my neighbors
Would giving a bouquet of flowers to my mother be a good way to say, "sorry you walked in on my boyfriend eating me out"?
I just recorded myself pooping, then uploaded to google drive, then connected to my pc through teamviewer then downloaded it, then played it to the living room while still pooping. God I love the internet.
yeah I had to wear a fucking diaper from work home so I didn't get the shitty squirts all over my cars seats it was fucked
I just dropped a condom on the floor at costco in front of my girlfriend and her husband. Today is not going to go well.
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