If I remember correctly, I may have been smoking a cigarette on the dance floor. This is the true sign of a douchebag in his native habitat...fmylife
I'm okay, they said the swelling should go down in a week. But next time I'm shitwrecked, please make sure to remind me that I can't open a champagne bottle with corkscrew.
All I remember from last night is puking up a box of cheeze-its and the building catching on fire.
My T9 text prediction thing keeps predicting every next word is going to be "midgets".
we should hire that guy that makes pancakes that we met last weekend for our next party. He can feed us, and regulate!
If I ever mention marriage force me to Brazil to do coke and strippers until I die.
I'm tired of stuffing my fat into a slutty costume. Next year let's go as homeless girls. Cute ones. In leggings with camel toe.
He just fingered me to the Lion King soundtrack. And when he left he turned dramatically and said "I'll be back after work. Be prepared." Taint ALL the childhood memories.
Is it possible to sluttify a hobbit costume? Cause if so, this will be my biggest accomplishment.
I just accepted my offer to work as a camp counselor over the phone between shots of Fireball. This is going well for me so far.
You've opened Pandora's butthole my friend. There's no going back.
I just used my vibrator to scratch my back. This being single shit is for the birds
ive started thanking my toys after masturbating. might be time to get some fuck boys
Dude, never piss off a hungover boss.
My life is over, I got a mugshot while wearing a shirt that said 'milf hunter'.
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