I'm blazed at jack in the box and my order number is 420. I wish everything in the world made this much sense.
i woke up to the sound of my dad getting blown. this is my life
nothing like baby laughter to ruin a masturbation moment
its not a party unless mikie exposes himself
Almost just got kicked out of a bar because the locals spilled beer everywhere when we taught them to shotgun.
And we won't even have to pay the tab if we die AT the bar. So..win win.
Liquid roulette time! Black Mystery Cups are filled with either ipecac, whiskey, or NyQuil. Let's have fun
Just had an old man tip me two dollars and say "here put this in your baby fund, you'll have a baby someday" I swear this is gods way of saying GET ON BIRTH CONTROL NOW!
It's 11am on 4/20 and I'm already in urgent care.
YOU'RE HIGH AND AT THE GYM OF COURSE YOU FEEL WEIRD
My thighs feel like glass
Fastest way to get judgmental looks on a Sunday morning: wear sunglasses inside carrying a case of beer and thin mints at the grocery store. May or may not have ran into the glass door.
Gotta love Minnesota
We did it in the bar bathroom and the bathroom attendant sold us a condom. I love Nashville
I didn't see her "bad karma" tattoo until after I was balls deep
I got her number but I don't think I'll be able to smash, I was pretending to be British AND I forgot her name
I broke a rule
Which One?!
The one where I shouldn't sleep with your friends. I broke this particular rule 4 times.
You're officially the worst brother ever.
Randomize
