I just hope my dad was drunk enough to not remember the whole convo we had about anal.
Her best guy friend really had a thing for her all along.... Now we're back together and he's gone Dawson's Creek with his away messages.
Ever since I got married, I've become the MacGuyver of masturbation
you jizzed all over me and yelled "makeover"
everytime she opens her mouth i wish that i was deaf
Hey cutie is the game almost over? I'm making dinner for us it'll be ready soon. Xox
You would rather make fucking dinner than watch a hockey game that rivals the epic-ness of miracle, the one of the biggest upsets in sport history? Babe I don't know if I can date a girl with such terrible priorities.
The water bill last month was outrageous. We have got to stop fucking for hours in the shower
Oh shit I just realized the ropes are still tied to the bedposts
Unintentional and slightly frustrating adventures are basically all I'm good for. Expect heart palpitations, cheap food, and homeless men serenading us.
Some girl just ordered Chinese delivery to her therapy appointment...
It's 10:15 on a Wednesday night and my dick is covered in pop rocks. How's your Wednesday going?
I went 670% over budget on my vacation. My accountant would flip if he weren't me.
How the fuck do you have so much free time?
Polyphasic sleep schedule.
His girlfriend left him for the pizza guy. I am not fucking kidding.
He had a cruise ship of a dick and I need to set sail on that ocean again
It was like sex on an active volcano surrounded by the night sky and bloodhounds. And by that I mean it was nice.
Randomize
