I always see him when I'm wearing my ripped pants. I think its because of the hole in the crotch. My vag sends out supersonic "I'm horny" waves to him. Otherwise the calls are muffled.
He told me he wanted to break up so he could get "closer to God."
Does God suck his dick?
Real housewives of new joisy starts MONDAY. Skype session after? Virtual slap the bag?
My alcohol tolerance is way too high for this paycheck.
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This is the way my sobriety ends: Not with a bang, but with a whimper.
the arrest was probably divine intervention, cause i think we were heading to an ill-advised threesome.
If this wasn't a work function my tits would be out already.
How much is that going to cost?
A lot of beer.
Two words that describe last night: naked and backflips.
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When I die, I want you to spread my ashes at a Cracker Barrel.
but you were the sluttiest panda there and you need to embrace it
Still pimpin that dick in the cornfields. Now it's just transferred to the local bar.
You sent me a snapchat of you hugging a beer with the caption "best friend"
I said he looked like a lumberjack and that's when he came. I guess he liked the beard compliment?
He tried to eat me out...through my pants.