I hid a 6pack in the microwave for later
I knew I liked you
i only shaved half my leg
on purpose
They just gave us root beer floats. I guess I won't quit my job today.
She asked me why there was $2 in the lunchmeat drawer of the fridge and BBQ sauce all over the kitchen... I'm not sure but I know it has something to do with you
SLUTTIEST. 4TH. EVER.
Look, I said I'm sorry. In the shower, "are you happy to see me" sounded just like "could you please pee on me". Honest mistake.
I can't tell whether I'm a) still hungover from two nights ago, b) legitimately sick or c) all of the above... multiple choice was never my forte
He was having a "party in the princess castle." At what point do I blindfold him and take him to AA?
I've been buying my puppy dildos for chew toys. I can't wait till a girl comes over and my dog is gnawing on a giant black cock
I'm watching a man in drag spread food products on his face my life is spiraling out of control.
He wanted to drink hypnotic from my butt crack. I need to move out this state.
The lady at target couldn't scan my grocery item and just looked at me and said "just take it. I hate this fucking place". Best munchie adventure yet.
I don't believe in coincidence. I believe in the stars aligning perfectly to sodomise me in public. Who ever said I was cynical?
Soggy bong water carpet is the worst kind of carpet.
I opened a bud lite with a fencing sword last night. Yeah you banged that guy.
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