He looks like a mix between a retired piano teacher and a cat that just swallowed a sock.
did he really ask u insert a warm banna in ur anal?
Mike is offhisass drunk and just sat down next to my sister and said "If you gained 30 pounds and stopped reading poetry, I would be attracted to you. Now, your little sister, attractive, even though she's basically the same person as you- she just pulls it off better because she's 15."
i swear to god her finding her clit was like looking for a sock in a dryer full of beach towels
apparently "my dealer got arrested" is not an acceptable answer when mom asks "What happened? You look sad today"
He went all Bachlorette on me.. "I just want to guard and protect your heart" bullshit
Oh. My. God. You texted my mom "IM BACK BITCHES!"
Whenever you're sad about your life, just remember that I'm on a first name basis with the late night taco bell drive-thru workers.
sometimes, you gotta take him by the hands like tails took sonic, and fly him into the bedroom.
The other guys kept waking up so I hid... Like, dick in mouth, hiding in his sleeping bag
I ate the crust off the pizza and left the rest in the box. Even I would hate me.
My greatest achievement in life thus far is being the go to friend when you have questions about butt plugs.
I'm so hungover I just peed on my hand and left it, didn't wash... Killin it in 2915
It can't be Friday yet, in still getting friend requests of people I don't remember from last weekend
I forgot to tell you, that tinder guy literally lives 15 floors beneath me. I have been creepily saying things to him like "I see youve got a hammer on the patio"
Randomize
