just threw up while drinking by myself. This is all your fault. You here = a good night, You not here = alcoholism
Nothing better then your mother meeting someone you randomly had sex with and him introducing himself as the guy who rocked her world once.
You know, I really only think drinking is a problem if you're not good at it.
I just talked to a CEO of a fortune 500 company while pooping. I LOVE being self employed.
between my moustache and how drunk I am it will be a miracle if I get laid tonight.
Yeah not really sure what I said but I remember "douchebag" and "fuck your own face"
To a 70 year old lady?!
Mental note: adding peach schnapps to a gin and tonic does not "water it down."
the bartender cut u off when u asked him for his screename so u could IM him later
We were laying in the basement dry humping to the rhythm of the washing machine
If Dave says he's going to have sex with her, he's going to fuck her retarded and turn her crazy. So run.
Did you like my voicemail? Sounded like I was being murdered, right?
By a pack of ravenous dildos
He seduced me by making me nachos. It worked.
There are no winners in a lube eating competition.
Just zoned back in to real life and found myself chanting "noodle eater noodle eater noodle eater" at my parrot as he devoured a single macaroni
That awkward moment when you were so fucking drunk lastnight that you and your fuck buddy wake up wearing eachother's clothing covered in hot cheetos with his cat curled up between your heads meowing. Thought you'd appreciate this moment with me.
Randomize
