I just saw a midget ride by on a scooter...wearing a bowtie and a helmet. My life is complete.
From inside my college history class i see him waving his arms while holding a beer bong trying to get my attention
Plus apparently whenever one of her friends loses their virginity they get a party with a funfetti cake which I found funny
Just bought a handle of vodka with the excuse of "just in case we drink tonight"
Outta milk. Using rum instead for pancake mix. Drunk Thursday is a gooo
My time here is complete. I think I have now thrown up in every major degree programs building
I can't feel my tongue. And that means go. Green means go. And you know what Barney says. Green means go and woah means no. DRIIIIINKK
SERIOUSLY WHY DOES EVERYONE INSIST THAT THEY NEED TO SEE MY BOOBS
Because there's a shortage of perfect breasts in this world. You should start charging for viewings.
I just found my lube on the ground next to my bed. I would pay money to find out what the fuck happened that night.
At one point I yelled "THIS IS MY PENANCE FOR EVERYTHING I'VE DONE WRONG" and started saying Hail Marys
The cop looked me right in the eye and apologized for cock blocking me.
I fell asleep while eating jimmy johns last night and then woke up at 5am and continued to eat it
He showed me a picture of his family on Instagram and his dad was my Sugar Daddy. ABORT.
Not to make this awkward, but if we ever have sex (perhaps drunkenly), all i'm gonna be able to think about is how sexy our kids would be.
i thought the time we went to a party with no shoes on was bad, how about the time you left with no pants on?
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