so he expects you to be his vegas whore for the season. nice.
guys don't fucking realize that the only place girl like their faces jizzed on is in PORN, and that "squirting" is piss. JUST FUCKING PISS.
Haha, bad night?
I put it into a sports analogy for him: there are three teams in the league- friends, fuck buddies, and dating, and the fuck buddies roster is full, pick an alternate team
My birth control alarm gets more depressing every night.
I miss your penis. And I totally say this as a friend. I just miss it because it's great. You should be very proud of it.
there is just no excuse for touching your mothers vagina.
I just wanted to clarify that I am not bisexual and had no intentions of ACTUALLY penetrating my roommate with a can of bugspray.
I just spent 30 minutes cleaning out my coleman grill. Did you really have to have grilled yogurt?
Too lazy to get out of my bed thats 2 feet away from you. Are you sure youre alright?
When one is stoned and browsing online dating profiles all men sound like serial killers.
I'm convinced that the Christmas lights in my room contributed to the great sex.
Hey texans ride hard. He should have known what he was in for when I asked to sit on his face. The broken nose was a BADGE he just earned.
The squirrels are partying on my roof again. Now they're just rubbing it in that I'm home alone on a Saturday night and they're having orgies.
I TOOK A FINGER IN THE BUTT YOU CAN OPEN THIS MESSAGE
he was just sitting there in his underwear... and his chewbacca mask...
Randomize
