I'm drunk and I'm watching it's Alwyas Sunny and eating candy. Even I am jealosu of my life
i just realized why god gave us younger siblings....to DD for us when we come home for the summers
We always say that. And then its 4am and someone is screaming at strippers.
The fairy wings and cowboy hats were not the issue. The bag of cocaine that I held in the air as we drove in the parade might have been.
Also I climbed atop a mailbox with a toilet paper hat and a wolverine claw made of glowsticks, screaming at passers-by that they were going to die. Control me
Bro I can't jerk it to my phone anymore. I feel Siri staring back, and she's real disappointed.
I just did a Kegel and my back popped. My vagina is a gift to penises everywhere.
being sober in physics class makes me realize the regularity with which i show up to it still drunk
Watch out, there's a giant vagina in the quad running around screaming at people.
Well watching will be involved...it'll just most likely be of me licking your penis instead of me trying to understand how Hans Solo goes up against the Galactic Empire...
Life is so difficult sometimes. Can you imagine? Going through life, constantly creating boners everywhere you go.
you know, i'm always afraid you're going to think i only want you for sex because i only text you when i'm horny
speaking of, guess what i'm thinking about
I will expect an hourly check text to confirm you are alive and that you aren't dead in a ditch somewhere with a hobo dry humping your corpse
I couldn't fall back asleep it was too bright so I just took my sports bra off and put it over my eyes
I almost accidentally threw him out a window during sex last night.
Randomize
