I won a flip cup tournbment! Why is boot and rally so hard when youre old?
I have a running excel spreadsheet detailing the number of shots in a night and subsequent ability to masturbate
good luck with ur interview. Just show them your confidence and don't make that sucking snot noise. Really don't. Praying for you, love mom
Notice: I will be intoxicated and in your area this evening. To unsubscribe from my sexual solicitation list, reply 'fuck off'.
I found my phone outside under the leaves by the curb. What the fuck did I do last night
She blew me in the back of the cab while eye of the tiger was on the radio. Top five all time automatically
Apparently drunk me thinks it's a good idea to put drops of acid in assorted open drinks in the fridge... This should be a fun week.
I just need to repress my desire to share my impressive chugging abilities with the world and I won't black out so much
230 lb girl across the train from me is giving a dude in a kilt a handjob while he sits in her lap
We picked up some guys dressed as shamrocks at taco bell. I will text you with further information.
PS- I just ordered a two man zebra costume. Would you like to be my back end?
Say what you will, but only I can throw up on someone's door and make it look like art.
That's the last time I'm letting you drink that apple vodka
Ps I took your recycling out, the 9 champagne bottles, vodka bottle, and tequila bottle is how I knew it was yours
I have an empty apartment, Chinese food, and fresh batteries in my vibrator. There's nothing on this earth that could lure me out tonight.
If you left your bike out in front, I just watched some dude steal it.
Randomize
