I got you a housewarming gift. It starts with "A" and ends with "bottle of Jameson"
I threw a jar of pickles out the window at a police car, why was that not a good enough reason to put me to bed?
the bottle said: caution extremely flammable. so that was my motivation.
Just saw a woman with a Pomeranian in her bra. Way to step up your game Seattle.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Just heard Miley Cyrus' version of "Every Rose Has Its Thorn". Fuck everything. If you don't have an std you have no right to remake this song
And then you guys went on to show us ur sex positions from the before. Thanks
Do you remember Kelly my alter personality? She talked like a man and would sing amazing grace?
just got home. some guy on my porch is tryin to show me his balls. no more parties at my apartment.
Tried making out with pop rocks in my mouth. That shit is magical.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
The weed is temporarily burning the grammar section of my brain library.
I think I'm going to go into my next therapy session with hot client with my fly down and when he tells me about it I'm going to say "how did that happen?!" and then porn music will start to play.
If I get a 4.0 I am doing SO much cocaine.
I genuinely attribute some of my blowjob skills to playing saxophone in highschool
I like to make sure they know it's casual by giving then a high five after sex
On the good side I got hit on by a cute college guy. But the bad side was having sex in a frat house for first time in 9 years
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