btw, your gf is going to want to talk to you today...and consequently you're probably not going to want to talk to me...just a heads up
Contrary to popular belief, while 19 is an attractive age, it does not equate to sexual prowess.
So i just found out i replied to my room mates craigslist ad. Akward
Just tried to fight the dj at cowboys because he would'nt play freebird. Pick me up now.
At first I was confused when I woke up with shards of glass and pickle brine in my pants. But then I remembered I hung out with you last night.
you puked out of a dead sleep and didnt wake up
yeah, but the likliness of me finding my husband at a party where the facebook event is titled "NEW YEARS EVE SHIT SHOW" is highly unlikely
We haven't even eaten dinner yet and she's already been asked to "take it down a notch" by the groom's mom.
He probably thinks you're playing hard to get.
Hard to get?? I'm playing leave me the fuck alone.
I think I accidentally agreed to be someone's surrogate
When she says 'Polish hangover cure' she just means more vodka. Don't do it.
you called me drunk last night to talk about summoning sex demons with magic WTF
All his ex-girlfriends are delicate flowers, tho. And I'm like a trash compactor.
I wouldn't worry about it. You know what they say, THICK THIGHS MAKE THE DICK RISE.
I just got home and spray-tanned my boyfriend. That's the side of relationships they don't tell you about...
Don't ask but i need a priest, a calzone, a litre of gravy, and exactly 7 oreos
And a bag of nachos
Randomize
