I guess i tried to text 911 last night with "someone stole my bong." Thank god that doesn't work...
We haven't even started dating yet but I already decided I'm going to cheat on her
We played "race the Jimmy John's driver". Order, then see if we can finish sex before the food arrives.
She is putting glow sticks from her bedroom to the bathroom. She is calling it 'Being prepared'. God help us all tonight...
Beware of calls from Dad. I just had a longer than I would care to admit convo about the ididarod. Apparently it starts tomorrow.
she demanded that I make her breakfast too so im in the bathroom cooking bacon with her straightener
I love my boobs, they're the only thing that supports me. They make me a solid 6.
It got messy; I did a shot of seamonkeys.
Throwing up out both ends. This is not how I pictured adulthood.
Using the random money I found in my bra from Halloween to pay to print my bio notes. I only brought a debit to the bar. College win.
I'm highly inebriated watching star wars, this text was sent via the force
Do you remember telling the Uber driver that "his cologne makes you want to bone"?
I swear, the guy behind me wasn't paying attention until the words "middle aged fuckboy" came out of my mouth.
And then I was like pick your blow job song and he choose the sonic the hedgehog theme song. If he's not the one no one is.
Are you still in his room?
Nope, yogged home at 8 am with one shoe on.
Randomize
