I feel like our bond as friends is a lot stronger now that I've talked to you on the phone while having sex.
I know I am usually the slut but tonight it's her. She is being a slut, yes slut, T as in Tomorrow, U as in Uterus, L as in Llama and S as in Sangria. That spells slut, but backwards and that's what she is being.
Is there a technical name for reverse cowgirl? I'm trying to maintain a little dignity with my mother here
You took a bar mat shot.
When I start carrying a bottle in my hand, jumping from boat to boat with a grenade horn. YOU should know this isn't going to turn out well.
Everyone already knows you're a drunk, they understand.
Dude found out there's an open bar at the celebration of life thing for my grandma which is at noon. Now I know why I can drink so much
We still on for coffee?
Cream and sugar. Deliver to planned parenthood in 45.
We found him wrapped up in a giant table umbrella in the bathroom.
He sent me a snap chat of his naked torso with cookies over his nipples. Like.... that does not make me want you homeboy.
She left a blanket, pillow, a glass of water, and two advils in the bathroom for me. It's like she knew. Best room mate ever.
first thing my tuition money buys is a strap on
So you've been sexting me while spending time with your family
I'm a family man but I have priorities
My knees are skinned from sitting on someone's face on concrete
he told me that I'm basically going to be the mom of the house when they move in...i like to see it as being a MILF without the responsibility of real children
I woke up in a bathtub full of green and blue Nickelodeon slime! wtf?!
Randomize
