Dude, she had a vegina. I felt like Indiana Jones cutting a path through the jungle.
On a scale of one to trashy, how is this: Got drunk, gave a guy a hand job. In the middle of the bar
I think you broke the trashy scale
Um, I don't really remember much about the event... and then I woke up on the metro..
You guys were grinding to YMCA. I knew you were going to hook up with him.
You know the gilmore girls would be alright if it was on mute the whole time
Nothing says "I support my fellow man" like taking your friends recently divorced dad to a strip club and bar hopping with us to get him laid by an upgrade.
I just did a jell-o shot with my grandmother. I can die now..
alicia just called me and talked to me in "the eternal language of the dinosaurs" and then kind of roared and gurgled. what kind of 4th of july are you guys having?
the boozy kind. is there any other?
Well I woke up and my arm was bleeding. And my blood is on the wall in the hallway.
Umm
No idea. I blame fireball.
Valid.
I'm about to take my 7th shot and I have to to go to dinner with my grandma in an half hour. What is my life.
So the dog chewed my vibrator last night. It added a nice new texture actually.
WELL THEN WHAT DAY IS IT?!?! This whole having to choose between ruining my future and ruining my liver is totally killing my vibe
Who loses their virginity to fucking Flo Rida
I texted him "my vagina is pounding for you"
I know, you made me proof read it.
Did you finish that presentation yet?
No but don’t worry about it. I do my best work in the middle of the night. I’m like a hamster.
Randomize
