if you are receiving this text, you are one of the people i hate
This cougar at my work just said "big breasts" referring to poultry... Still resulted in a boner.
they told me her nickname is "wizard sleeve"
pick me up NOW
one of my coworkers is shitshow drunk, getting naked. she's about to ride the bull.
i was just going to ask if it would be cool for me to come and have a beer...
it's total chaos here. i may ride the bull... i'll be visible.
oh ps. last night you kept telling me to calm down because everything was fine cause you were getting "arab money"...
You bring the bicep workout. I'll bring the unscented gentle products. We'll both bring our penises.
Just bought koolaid for my vodka in a DARE shirt with my NES wallet. I'm everything I thought I'd be when I was 8.
Except even better, boobs get discounts.
i was beyond wasted so he tucked me into bed and wrapped the blankets around me like a burrito. then gave me a bloody mary and an omlet when i woke up. and who says living with your cousin is a bad thing?!
I may have farted on a group of children. It may not have been an accident.
I just replaced the poop spray with an air horn... Now we wait!
Not only does DQ have s'mores shakes, sonic has a hot dog in a pretzel bun, and Wendy's has a burger in a pretzel bun. Important things are happening.
Since Josh is going to be Carl Sagan for Halloween, he bought a turtleneck and sportsman jacket. It's all my nerd fantasies come true.
It took me an hour to walk from my drive way to my front door... what the fuck was in that weed?
Never joke about your clitoris.
Do you think it's a bad sign of the outcome of the pregnancy test I'm about to take that I was eating a fudgsicle on the way into the drugstore? Would it make worse to tell you I also bought a big ass bag of Cornnuts?
Randomize
