I overheard a kid saying to his mom at Walmart: "Mommy.. should we buy cups for daddy's spit?"
the only reason he called me tonight was because I fertilized his crops on farmville.
TRUE LIFE: my roommate is growing a bush.
better yet, TRUE LIFE: my roommates boyfriend begged her to grow a bush.
his cum shot went directly into his bellybutton. felt like i was playin ski ball
Medicore although I woke up with the business card of a Turkish lawyer called Mufasa...
Homegirl just dropped a candle on the floor major party foul. Thought it make you feel better.
Double vision is so hot when a big dick is in sight. Thank you Bud Light.
I've made a list of places I want to have sex this summer. #1: Reptile House at the zoo.
You just sent me a picture of a federal crime. Like. You don't give a fuck.
I drank half a bottle of wine while watching the Olympics opening ceremonies. I catcalled at handsome athletes. Stop me.
I sent him a bunch of texts telling him that his beard wasn't long enough yet so we couldn't fuck and to text me back in a few hours if it had.
I dunno what he did but it both burns and feels amazing to pee
I'm tripping balls on ambien right now and I still feel that's a bad idea.
Do you think if 10 year old us knew that we would be passing out in a McDonalds after a hefty night of drinking, and 23 McChickens, they'd change anything?
Is this making any sense, because I’m puking and trying to be Philosophical right now
Randomize
