If Curt Schilling could pitch a game with that blood-filled sock... if Tiger Woods won the 2008 US Open with a torn ligament, then I'd be an embarrassment to the human race if I couldn't manage to at least jerk him off even if I was still crying after he put it in my butt.
I'm laying here in fetal position. I feel like a traffic cone
walked into class wearing my zorro costume. some girl just said "oh my god, i fucked zorro this weekend." I found her.
I can feel his 12 year old sister"s eyes barreling into my soul everytime I'm at there house..some how she knows I'm cheating on her brother or she's mad cause I stole her shirt.
It was that same situation where "cuddling on the floor" was actually just code for "rough shameful hate sex" hahaha.
also, made a drinking game out of my birthday photos....drink everytime alcohol is in a photo. going through all 350 of them.
We're using joints as your birthday candles
she came into my car to rip lines with our blow dealer as I was writing my essay on anti drug policy, i call it on site research
After my second liter of German beer, nothing D-cup or larger is safe near me.
i also remember watching someone vomit off a balcony which was kind of grim
Mischief managed.
YOU ARE NOT A MARAUDER, WHAT THE FUCK DID YOU DO NOW?
Nothing like a near-death experience to start off your Thanksgiving...
I'm drinking apple juice and champagne while watching crossroads..like the classy bitch that i am.
There are some people who should not be trusted with a cell phone while drunk. You know your one of them when you call the cops on your own party.
I woke up with a pube in my teeth...I'm disturbed cause we're both clean shaven
Randomize
