does your mom think i'm crazy? i just realized i played both the gay dad and the ex-jew card tonight. i blame the wine
For Halloween this year I'm gonna go as Angelina from Jersey Shore. I'm gonna yell "umm HELLO?!," cockblock someone, then leave the party early
you know it takes a lot for me to use utensils conservatively
i think i traded my wallet for a tim hortons gift card.
Ice skating? Did you see me last night? I don't even know where my socks are
Now you have tequila AND fuzzy slippers. Fuck you. I want that to be MY night.
bad news.. campus security walked me home last night and when i tried to tell them where i lived they assured me they knew where our house was.
I'm 50% weirded out and 50% into it
Sorry I drunkenly insulted your air mattress last night. You still could have fucked me on it though.
My night ended with a French cab driver offering me his sperm free of cost.
How does a face ride mean we're back together?
All I want is a wedding with a dress and a veil and where I can go and my cat can go.
God bless the petty bitch who invented screen shot
You mom sent me some article linking anal sex, damaged prostates and sterility. Does she still think your gonna go straight and have kids one day?
He said they were his favorite shoes.. So I threw one down the sewer. Now he'll keep searching the house for the other one. Sweet silent revenge.
Randomize
