i'm so high i feel like the people i'm chatting with online can some how see that i'm naked.
We argued about the championship during sex. Absolutely the manliest moment of my life.
I just had a librarian tell me that "wikipedia is like sex"
When he expanded on the analogy it actually made sense. "you're going to do it either way, so I'm just going to tell you how to do it safely."
Im beginning to think that if I ever write an autobiography it will have to be mostly fill in the blank.
If a man doesnt have the ability to fuck you well on a small climbing wall, I don't think he deserves you.
I wanna give a stern lecture to whoever invented pants cause they are hard right now
Gave him an awesome blow job on his living room couch last night, so at least he'll have something nice to think about next time he's watching the Tigers lose.
I ate shit on a rock, and when I got up this car full of people asked me if I was okay, and I just sprinted away screaming "I am a banana!"
Guys, Black Friday does not exist in the world of dealing. Stop texting me asking what my deals are.
Everything is just really out of control. I hear puking from three different parts of the house. Roger has black eye from being punched. Kaiser tried shaving his head, but somehow burned himself. Music is bumping, but everyone is either puking and calling out for help or blacked the fuck out.
YOU'RE CHANGING THE SUBJECT. I CAN BLOW SOMETHING UP OR I CAN TELL HIM YOU LOVE HIM, BUT ONE OF THE TWO IS BOUND TO HAPPEN
I didn't think this needed to be said, but our sexts are an emoji free zone
I just want somebody to fondle my boobs while I read fanfiction. Is that too much to ask?
the guy had "bad bitches only" tattooed above his penis...
he had to stop me from eating snow off the street on the way back to pick up our cars. that's how hungover i am.
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