Hahaha figures, hmm should I spank you? Or throw a cow at you?
Dude my mom stole all your condoms
So ps i'm not pregnant with any athletes illegitimate children : )
I was looking at some smoking pipes on amazon the other day and realized that work people could look at my history and do a drug test. So I immediately started looking at Sherlock Holmes hats.
still drunk. talking shit to the doc drawing my blood. this has no upside
besides im still about 80% sure that im eskimo brothers with jerry springer
throwing up in the shower isnt as glamorous as i expected
since when the fuck is that glamorous?
3 guesses about who had to still-drunkenly facilitate a fire drill at 2:40am because freshmen can't handle microwave popcorn.
So. She dumped me today.
Well, maybe you shouldn't have referred to going down on her as "Dumpster-Diving".
If I wake up with an unknown penis in me one more time I am literally going to press charges to the makers of tequila.
Your stoned with a 2 year old in the room....and that makes you want to have babies?!
I will expect an hourly check text to confirm you are alive and that you aren't dead in a ditch somewhere with a hobo dry humping your corpse
Then he unzipped his pants and whispers, " oohhh, look out!"
An d I'd rather cry while putting a waffle in my mouth than cry on my pillow, ya feel me?
He dropped some cash when he got in my front seat upside down. And a hat. I'm keeping them as retribution for not remembering that he had sex with me once before. Although, if he didn't have his dick pierced, I wouldn't have remembered either.
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