Successfully pulled the houdini tonight. Check that off my list.
Congratulations on your moose knuckle.
Thank you. Really, it was an honor just being nominated.
the way she shouted out instructions during sex made me feel like I was having sex with my gym teacher
I don't know how this happened but I got an email thanking me for being a Waffle House regular. HOW DO THEY KNOW?? Maybe I need to stop going there shitfaced.
so just incase I die tonight I'm making a list of people that I don't want to be let in to my funeral
i'm considering texting him with "i'm leaving the country for a year, wanna fuck?"
do it. it's every man's dream.
We gotta make a movie eventually. All good, long-lasting relationships include a homemade porno
besides im still about 80% sure that im eskimo brothers with jerry springer
and then he put stevie wonder on to fuck to...and hummed along as I blew him
I came in your room, you looked at me and said "I fucked up" and then some kid showed up and took you to the hospital
I can't believe I've come to a point in my life where sex for a birthday present is acceptable
I told this guy in the dining hall that he's a hippie god and he's never made eating yogurt so sexy
I knew it was a bad night when the only thing I could remember was you force feeding me tortilla chips as I hugged the tire of my car and begged to have my stomach pumped.
Lots of tissues. Maybe pizza. Only time will tell. The stages of political grief.
He's eating a sriracha ravioli sandwich. How do you think the night is going?
Randomize
