I think she just tried to waterboard me with her vagina.
LMAO!!! just remembered you said this to me last night. "sometimes you post too many Jesus tweets. It's not that that's really bad... But I roll my eyes and you should know that."
I was drunk but it's true
im so glad i don't have to work tomorrow. I'm spendin all night on the new call of duty.
Wow. That's the gayest thing you ever said.
Look man i'm staying in playing videogames and growing a beard. Its not like i'm trying to get a girlfriend.
i decided i am going on the Justin Bobby plan for success. Don't cut my hair for a year, don't shave for a month, land Audrina Patridge. Game on.
we played lady & the tramp with a hash brown from McDonald's....im in love.
I may also break bread with strippers. Because it is passover.
I have located the smell of the stripper and narrowed it down to 3 girls in class
My google searches from last night: tetanus shot rabbit bite, Bacardi gluten free
He said he only likes girls with a sense of humor, after he took his pants off I understood why
oh god my hair smells like rotten vegetables, sweat, and tequila. I wanna party with your neighbors every night.
Hello and welcome to the game 'Matt needs weed'! Rules are simple: first one to find a bag wins the fabulous prize of getting stoned with yours truly. Thank you for playing and good luck!!
That's what tomorrow is for. It's like bloodletting. Except with shame and liquor.
Yesterday I dumped him, went out for my birthday, hooked up with someone else, and today he still fed my cat. Living with your ex ain't so bad . . .
2 things: 1) can you get hep from toilet water? And 2) do you know where we can get a new skillet for cheap?
Please tell me those aren't related.
I made rice.
a guy just skateboarded past my window in a bunny suit while chased by a dog walker
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