guess who was drunk and crawling in the middle of the road and got brought home by the police last night? HINT: ME
Sex on a trampoline was so worth getting a mosquito bite on my penis
i made two phi delts show me their dicks in less than 30 words! Take that twitter!
I just made out with a girl with a life jacket on wtf is going on
what part of what i said meant "bring a bowl"
"bouncy castle"
They were picking gravel out of my face for an hour. I think I took more out of the road than the road did of me.
Barfights against pavement aren't genrally won by people. Props.
In other news, shitting yourself is not an acceptable way to start a Thursday.
I'm so hungover I literally am considering drinking from the fishtank to avoid getting out of bed.
It's official. This guy and I are going gay for each other. We're tasting the fucking rainbow.
Apparently I was proudly showing him the cup I barfed pizza rolls into
I puked on his mom. Not my proudest moment
I'm drunk from drinking bourbon out of a "cupcake sippy cup" at the Denny's bar. What the fuck happened to the goals I had?
I forgot my backup drink is supposed to be pedialyte and vodka. Add in the shit I'm losing as I drink. Win-Win right?
I just want an early 40-something dude who is vaguely unencumbered, professionally driven and wants to put me in a ball gag.
I thought one was bad but really there are two woman stupid enough to marry our brother...unreal
Randomize
