I think there's some kind of asian convention downtown. There are thousands and they're all wearing badges and snapping pictures. I feel like I just stepped into your worst nightmare.
Dude I just peed on my pants. not in them though. and yes there is a difference
Im gonna name my vag after egypt, "the valley of kings"
Have u Seen that eharmony commercial where the guy goes " I don't know how I could love her anymore, but tomorrow I will'. Yeah that guy should kill himself
aw he's cute...not in a i wanna rip his clothes off way more of a put him in my pocket and keep him as a pet
And occasionally lick whipped cream off them abs
Exactly.
You rolled out of the car, got on all fours and puked then just nonchalantly stood up and waved goodbye and thanks for the ride.
In the hospital waiting to be tested for the first uti of the school year....I'm BACK BTICHES.
No, I'm in the bathroom trying to scrub off the 16 tally marks on my wrist so its not so obviously to the world that I puked on a couch last night.
Plan: drunk dancing. Reality: drunk almost getting in fights with people that could beat me into the ground.
shes wearing an ankle tracker so she should be easy to find
Also, it was so cold in that bathroom that I saw my crap steaming, a first in my life
It's 9:07 in the morning and I am so hungover right now I'm about to take the kids I'm babysitting to mf'ing Popeyes bc that's all I want in this world
Is there an "I fucked your brother" emoji?
I don't know how to explain to you that you tried to recreate the bit from the Dana Carvey show where a guy dressed as Bill Clinton breastfeeds a bunch of puppies
Shhh embrace your inner whore. Just embrace it.
Randomize