We had one of those mutual "I know your on a dating website, I won't tell if you won't" glances.
She started crying. I don't think she's gotten head from a sax player before.
I drank myself into bisexuality again.
I'm standing in line at the liquor store and they're making popcorn.
i robbed the continental breakfast last night
She's like the Michael Jordan of alcoholism
I made him say "i realize i'm cheating on my girlfriend" five times aloud before i would hook up with him. Somehow that has to lessen my bad karma
We decided this year instead of not participating in Halloween at all we are going to hand out free beers to the parents.
Well despite the fact that I'm still not entirely sure this isn't an elaborate/cunning plan to kill me, I'm in.
They just built a gym in the same parking lot as my favorite bar. Drunk me is gonna be so excited.
She asked the bartender for "7 shots of something fruity" and long story short the bartender punched me in the face. Chivalry is stupid.
If you get laid dressed as my dad that makes me extremely uncomfortable
Come to this bar
But I'm full of food.
MAKE ME FULL OF YOUR DICK
You were pretty conviced that my dog was a spanish child and kept trying to read him the news from your iphone app
Our faces when the strip club was closed looked like the grinch just stole Christmas ☹️
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