Just spent the last of my lifesavings on (what i hope is enough of) alcohol. Hello summer.
If I'm going to go gay, i'm not going to go for a tiny dick.
it's not a party till someone uses the fire extinguisher.
I feel like a really awesome person when i have to check my roof for things i've lost
I bought this skirt with every intention to have it wrapped around my tits by the end of the night. So, I'm not a whore. I'm a self-fulfilling prophecy.
He wasn't lying when he said he was immune to pepperspray. He pretended it burned for like 12 seconds and told the cops he was kidding he was alright. We'll be there soon.
I'd just like to say before I start drinking tonight that not only do I not find you attractive; I don't want to hook up with you, suck your dick, be your "suga mama" or have your babies. Please disregard any texts, phone calls or voicemails that say otherwise..
Definitely worth waiting her kid to got to sleep when the first thing you hear once she's back is "I want you in my ass right now"
I paid your brother in tostitos to drive me home.
Direct quote from her that tipped me off I was getting some: "I want to jump on his shoulders and wrap my legs around his face"
Would it be weird to jack off in the hospital?
I raged so hard that I was so hungover today I threw up out of a car window going 50mph cause my parents didn't pull over quick enough ...sorry to the people behind us
Getting a blow job while breaking up with my gf helps cope with the pain... Kinda weird her best friend is giving me the BJ
I didn’t not spend thanksgiving morning making out with him in a diner parking lot
I could be the Kenny Powers of Sex Therapists.
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