I just woke up in bed next to my teacher. Does that mean I'm passing now?
just found out my sister was breast fed and i was not...pretty upset about that.
So I went outside my house this morning and basically my entire front lawn is covered in gummi bears... I think that involves you guys.
the owner gave me a free bottle of vodka and a 12pack of red bull if i agreed to leave. my drunken antics are finally paying off.
Its midnight, he's burning water on the stove and keeps yelling at me and telling me not to burn myself.
Is it bad that I see a party full of girls I know he has fucked as a challenge for me to be the one who ends up in his bed?
I mean, yeah, she was cheating on me but I've been fucking her brother. My secret relationship trumps her secret relationship.
your vagina must have magic restorative powers I feel rested and powerful this morning.
I need a hug and tequila
I'm sitting next to a milk crate full of tequila right now
This is why we need to live in the same city again
If your nipples ruin my wedding photos I will kill you.
You in for a dick vacation?
YES, even though I have no idea what that means
Also I think I realized when my life started to turn into shambles.. The day I took my high school senior picture WITH A HICKEY ON MY NECK
Also I told several people at the bar last night that my dad the alligator wrestler died wrestling an alligator. So if anyone asks that's real.
Are you ok?
They gave me a cat until I fall asleep. His name is fluffy because he's fluffy.
All I remember about last st pattys day was I was in a bathtub with full bubbles, fully clothed, drinking out of a flamingo lawn ornament that someone cut a hole in.
Randomize
