Please tell me I didn't pass out while we were having sex last night... and if so I am sooooo sorry.
You can bone my sister, but I will end our friendship if you write 'LOLERS' one more time at the end of your texts.
He's totally hot and awesome. And he's a Democrat
Good, so he won't mind when you kill the baby.
Her little brother was home, so we had to hook up while playing hide and seek with him
And then he said "my dick isn't hard enough and your tits aren't big enough for this to work"
I'd invite him but there's too many people who have fucked me going already
If I don't wake up hungover in a ditch Monday morning I will consider my halloween a failure
I just spent the last 30 mins playing uplifting songs to my uterus, & there's no way I'm pregnant.
No. I'm drinking straight up vodka right now. With a pineapple in it.
That'll put some boobs in that bra.
As your attorney I advise you to rage rapidly
apparently putting your t-shirt on your head with a bottle of captain and telling girls your the pirate king of tallahassee doesn't work
I'm so lazy and tired i just want to cry and fall asleep in a bed of egg mcmuffins.
I forgot to ask you how long you're housesitting. By which I mean how many bones can I get in averaging 2.5 bones per day.
20.
In the morning when you read your texts, just fyi you showed up at my house drunk off your ass and shoe less and demanded I go to the bar. You need Jesus.
Just renamed the subject of my sex list on my phone "grocery list" just in case anyone comes across it
Randomize
